Wednesday, November 12 - The Haunted House

Never again will I spend the night at my friend's house. Specifically just in that house. Everything was perfectly fine until sundown, they had a great big television and a refrigerator full of food to last a zombie apocalypse. It was all dandy until the sun reached the brink of the horizon and fell down exposing darkness over the land. The season is winter so sundown is quite early, and this family I'm staying with goes to bed at premature dusk. They also sleep with ear plugs and eye masks. What freaks they must be, I couldn't sleep for ages just because I was contemplating how someone could go to sleep so early with such goofy hardware they have to wear. At that time I heard a noise coming from under the floor, which I believe the source was from the basement. It sounded like a faint howl from a dog, but this family does not own any pets. I did what any rational person would do and I grabbed the blanket beside me and covered myself completely. This seems to help psychologically. Moments afterwards I heard a scurry across the floor below and footsteps going up the stairs. Alone in the living room, I hear the basement door creak open and I stare into the darkness. I gaze for what seems like years and feel eyes peer back into mine. I stay completely still but I feel my point of view push inwards towards that door, and I am now looking through a fish eye lens. I become mortified, why did they not include free ear plugs and an eye mask. Seconds later, I flop to the ground. I have become a fish. "Ggluggaergh" I say because I am a fish and cannot speak a language.  The family cannot hear my hard flopping thanks to their earplugs. Due to lack of water, my fishy life expires and I lay on the cold floor.

Friday, November 7 - Ewww....that's creepy!

Silently sitting in the shadows
Enduring another drag of the cigarillo
Nihilistically he ponders in the small somber room
When day breaks, this will be his tomb.

The fragility of existence is null in this room
Aged whiskey yet seems to help
He is God in this little place
Willfully, he chooses to die at his own pace.

Tuesday, October 28 - LeBron's Day Out

LeBron James figured it was in his best interest to celebrate at the award winning Cheesecake Factory, for some award winning cheesecake, after winning his outstanding award at the NCAA Championships. He arrives in his stretch limousine, except his gas light has been on for the past ten miles; he will surely be stuck here for good. He orders the Slammin' Jammin' Cheesecake, as the final score to win the championships was an award winning slam dunk from the master himself. In his small satchel, he holds hundreds of packs of signature Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum, to hand out to everyone, since he feels generous after such a long night. It is going to be a good night.

Upon devouring three Slammin' Jammin' Cheesecakes whole, LeBron believes it is time to go home to his wife and continue the celebration. Walking up to his limousine, he remembers there is not much gas left and will have to try hard to make it to a gas station. Turning the keys, the car lets out a loud burp and shuts off. He used the rest of the gas to start it up; there's nothing left to get him anywhere. He ponders for a moment and realizes a portion of the money he has accumulated has gone into research and development of  Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum, and has more uses to it than chewing. Long ago, before Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum was discontinued, and the study of Ethanol being used for car fuel began to surface, the LeBron James Institute secretly began conducting experiments to synthesize Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum to be used as car fuel. This is the very reason Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum was discontinued, it was to be a secret source of easily  manufactured fuel for a certain group of LeBron's associates and close friends.

"No! I've given away all of my signature named Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum, and have no source of fuel for my signature Stretchin' LeBron James Limousine!" LeBron James cries aloud. "My generosity has led me nowhere and my only source of fuel is in the mouths of those who I now hate most."

Luckily, the LeBron James Institute has planted tracking devices in each piece of Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum. LeBron James pulls out his cell phone and calls his most trusted scientists to track down everyone whom he handed Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum out to, so he may then reclaim what was once his and drive home to his beloved wife.

Hours pass by and it is quite late in the night. A helicopter flies overhead and drops a care package next to the limousine. Opening the package reveals packs and packs of Lightning Lemonade LeBron James bubble gum, all of which have been in LeBron's hands earlier that night. Chewed gum also resides in the package, some covered in blood, for those who put up a fight.

"Thank you strangers," He speaks to himself. "Without your courage and valor, I would never make it home to celebrate my achievements with my beloved wife."

He slides the gum into the fuel tank and drives home with ease, smelling like a giant dank lemon while doing it.

The End

Monday, October 27 - Fairy Tale Name Poem

F    Favorable
R    Reliable
O    Omniscient
G    Greatest

P    Pacifistic
R    Rationalistic
I    Imaginative
N    Nonchalant
C    Capable
E    Ebullient

Friday, October 24 - X Marks the Spot

Yarr, these be the sea dog days of me life, Captain Rhubarb, Salty Joe and I been searching these parts for weeks looking for the buried treasure. Not too long ago my crew pillaged a small, puny ship and recovered a treasure map deep in the hull and we been searching ever since. The island where X marks the spot be just dead ahead and we arrr moments away from being rich.
"Yo ho ho matees, we are minutes away from breaking our backs from relentless digging." Rhubarb exclaims.
We have landed and we run off the ship as quickly as our wooden peg legs allow us, spades in hand. A huge red X marks the spot just on the shore and we begin excavatin'. Hours pass and we only be maybe six feet deep, and Salty Joe is feeling far too salty.
"Captain, me needs a break!" Joe asks Rhubarb.
"Yarr, you be resting on the job, and you'll get no cut from this treasure!" Rhubarb carefully explains.
Salty Joe does not rest and continues working hard, and eventually, a think is heard from the hole being dug, and shovels start moving twice as fast. In no time, the huge treasure chest is visible and all three of us pull it out.
"It's so beautiful, imagine the precious riches in this chest, ye mateys!" Salty Joe cries out!
All three gathered around the found of the chest, we open it slowly, with anticipation.
"What is this foul treachery, there be no booty in here, just gold coins!" I say.
"This chest is full of nothing from diamonds and gems and doubloons!" Captain Rhubarb screams.
As it turns out, this chest was overflowing with wealth, but not what we be looking for, we've spent weeks looking for booty and not even on a deserted island is there such a thing. We scurvy dogs go home empty handed now.
Life as a butt pirate ain't easy.

Thursday, October 23 - That's punny!

On the boat that John and Sam were arguing at, things started to get heated.

"Seariously Sam, water you doing?"

"Well, you sea John, I couldn't reely tell you, I don't even know."

"Everything you've been herring about this treasure in the ocean is all fake."

"I've at least got to find some porpoise in my life, it's got to be here."

"I completely trout you'll ever find it Sam, you're krilling our entire weekend by wasting time on this."

"Whale, just give me a few more minutes, I've just been trying to find it bassed on this poorly drawn map."

"Okay, I will give you one last oppor-tuna-ty to look for it."

And so they went on like this and did not find the treasure.

The end.

Tuesday, October 21 - Déjà Vu

Caroline studied the old man carefully. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but something about him reminded her of someone else. But who?

Perhaps the reason is because she has been waiting at the DMV for quite a few hours now. In the delusional state of mind we all receive from being at the DMV, she probably is using her own imagination to cure the boredom she is undergoing. She carefully examines the man and notices the faint scar on his left cheek that she so vividly remembers, and comes to the conclusion that it is not all in her head, she has seen this man before, but the questions of who he is and she's seen him remain a mystery. He is far too old for her to have interacted with him at any part of her life. 

The man is then called up to the desk for whatever it is he came for and swiftly leaves making short eye contact with Caroline. She is called next and then leaves having more questions to be unanswered. The Déjà vu she experience baffles her even more when she sees the man yet again walking on the sidewalk of the street she was driving on. She can’t recall a time ever having met him in this part of town, so she is now under the suspicion that he is following her. Déjà vu is no longer a plausible explanation, at least in her eyes, and now sleeps with all the doors locked.

She is feeling deception and is currently going crazy. The phenomenon that occurred made this lady a psychopath and therefore she is now living in a psychiatric ward to spend the rest of her days until she gets better. Her caretaker is none other than the old man with a scar on his left cheek.